Children are so much better off in a nuclear family, and unfortunately there are far too many families that have failed. While both husband and wife have responsibility to build and strengthen marriages to provide a stable environment for children, there are many things men can do as husbands and fathers to try to protect and preserve their marriage relationships.
- Banish divorce from your thoughts. If you have an idea
that you would be better off outside the marriage, that thought alone
can cause a major break in your motivation to make it better. Simply
deciding that divorce is not an option will help you focus on what you
can do rather than on what you don't want to do.
- Honor and respect your partner. Granted, your partner may not be the same person she was when you married. But she is still worthy of respect
and honor. She is an incredible person in her own right. Consider
making a list of her most amazing and endearing qualities so you can
remember why it was you fell in love in the first place.
- Communicate, communicate and communicate. There is no
substitute for talking regularly and about everything. Our wives feel
intimacy with us when we share openly about our lives, our interests,
our dreams and our expectations. A family therapist freind of mine
suggests that husbands and wives set aside 30 minutes each day without
interruptions where the couple can just talk together. Effective communication is an important way to strengthen marriage.
- Share financial expectations and budgets. The demise of many families revolves around finances.
Often we bring different expectations about money to a relationship and
coming to agreement on how we handle money together is a critical
component of success. Agree on a budget
and an approach to debt and then live within your limits. Learn to
differentiate between a need and a want, and then make sure your needs
are met.
- Give her the right amount of space - the amount she wants.
One of the hardest balances to find is the amount of time to spend
together. Too much is smothering; too little is inattentive. So when she
needs some space to herself or with girlfriends, let her have it. When
she wants more time with you, make time for her. If her time away from
you begins to grow, it's a good time to sit down and talk about
expectations and needs.
- Take care of yourself. Many wives I have talked with
have become a bit disillusioned with marriage when their spouse starts
to fall apart physically. Shave and shower on the weekends; make time to exercise
and eat smarter. Gaining weight and not taking good care of yourself is
a turn-off for her. And the better care your take of yourself, the more
likely she is to care more about her appearance too.
- Keep up the courting. One of the best ways I know to
keep a bit of a spark in marriage is to make time to court your wife.
Make time for a "date night" every week, even if it is just a drive out
for a milkshake. When times were leaner for us, my wife and I would
trade babysitting with another couple, put the baby in a stroller and
walk around the mall. Leave her little love notes
where she will find them. Bring her a single rose occasionally. Little
courting plesantries go a long way in keeping a marriage strong.
- Forgive quickly. Often marriages begin to fall apart
when one partner or another holds a grudge. Forgiveness is a gift that
you give yourself more than one you give your partner. So refuse to hold
grudges and have a forgiving spirit.
- Don't hesitate to get help. If you are still having
challenges, consider getting counseling or couples therapy. Often your
workplace (or hers) will have access to an employee assistance program
or EAP,
where you can get some initial help and a referral to others. You might
consider starting with a trusted member of clergy if you share a
religious heritage and then move beyond if needed.
Tips:
- Don't try to control your partner. Give her room to be the person she is and learn to cooperate.
- Disclose nad discuss other friendships. Partners often become suspicious when men have relationships outside marriage, however innocent.
- Little compliments matter. Find something nice to say about your woman every day.
- Remember she is a mom, too. Sometimes men forget that
his wife is also a very busy mother with many demands on her time. She
does not exist just to be a playmate. So be sensitive to the demands on
her time and lighten her load when you can.
Paa Qojo
Am just some crazy dude who loves blogging.
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