Step 3: Craft a Win-Win Strategy
Look for steps you can take to resolve the issue for both of you. This
is crucial: Don’t tell your partner what he or she can do, but instead
say what you can do. The best solutions usually aren’t your first ideas
at all but may occur to you after looking at your concerns and figuring
out what matters most to each of you.
Example:
You: “Maybe I could stay at home on Friday night and Saturday morning
and get the tax stuff organized. Then I’d join you for the rest of the
weekend without any worries hanging over me.”
Your spouse: “I would be willing to tell my parents you have to catch
up with the taxes and can’t come for the whole weekend. I’m also
willing to postpone our night out with the neighbors during the week and
help you get the tax information together.”
10 More Tips to Help Avoid a Fight
Decide if you’ve got a problem or just a difference.
If an issue isn’t threatening your health, safety, or financial
security, doesn’t work against your shared vision for your marriage, and
doesn’t put an unfair burden on you, then it may simply be a sign that
the two of you are two different people. Perhaps you’re an extrovert and
love parties, while your partner’s introvert personality makes him or
her crave quiet nights at home. Perhaps you’re great at starting
projects, while your partner’s terrific at sticking with it until every
last detail is finished. Or maybe one of you is a morning person, the
other a night owl. In that case, the solution is acceptance, not trying
to change your partner. Look for the ways that your differences are
marriage-strengthening assets.
1. Pick the right time. Problem solving is least
likely to work when you’re tired, hungry, overloaded, stressed,
distracted, or trying to do something else at the same time, such as
making dinner, catching up on work from the office, or relaxing in front
of the TV. Save big talks for a better time.
2. Practice loving acceptance. Learning the art of
accepting and valuing your partner for who he or she is — instead of
grousing about shortcomings — may actually help the two of you find
better solutions to problems, experts say. This loving accommodation
melts defenses and motivates us to want to please each other.
3. Banish the deal-breakers. University of
Washington relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D., advises couples to
do all they can to avoid these lethal habits: personal criticism,
sneering contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
4. Give your mate the benefit of the doubt. The next
time you’re feeling disappointed, hurt, or angry with your spouse,
pause before jumping to conclusions. Maybe your spouse is tired, hungry,
or preoccupied — or doesn’t see the impact of his or her actions.
Search for a benevolent explanation that will allow you to treat your
mate with love and respect.
Step 3: Craft a Win-Win Strategy
Look for steps you can take to resolve the issue for both of you. This
is crucial: Don’t tell your partner what he or she can do, but instead
say what you can do. The best solutions usually aren’t your first ideas
at all but may occur to you after looking at your concerns and figuring
out what matters most to each of you.
Example:
You: “Maybe I could stay at home on Friday night and Saturday morning
and get the tax stuff organized. Then I’d join you for the rest of the
weekend without any worries hanging over me.”
Your spouse: “I would be willing to tell my parents you have to catch
up with the taxes and can’t come for the whole weekend. I’m also
willing to postpone our night out with the neighbors during the week and
help you get the tax information together.”
10 More Tips to Help Avoid a Fight
Decide if you’ve got a problem or just a difference.
If an issue isn’t threatening your health, safety, or financial
security, doesn’t work against your shared vision for your marriage, and
doesn’t put an unfair burden on you, then it may simply be a sign that
the two of you are two different people. Perhaps you’re an extrovert and
love parties, while your partner’s introvert personality makes him or
her crave quiet nights at home. Perhaps you’re great at starting
projects, while your partner’s terrific at sticking with it until every
last detail is finished. Or maybe one of you is a morning person, the
other a night owl. In that case, the solution is acceptance, not trying
to change your partner. Look for the ways that your differences are
marriage-strengthening assets.
1. Pick the right time. Problem solving is least
likely to work when you’re tired, hungry, overloaded, stressed,
distracted, or trying to do something else at the same time, such as
making dinner, catching up on work from the office, or relaxing in front
of the TV. Save big talks for a better time.
2. Practice loving acceptance. Learning the art of
accepting and valuing your partner for who he or she is — instead of
grousing about shortcomings — may actually help the two of you find
better solutions to problems, experts say. This loving accommodation
melts defenses and motivates us to want to please each other.
3. Banish the deal-breakers. University of
Washington relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D., advises couples to
do all they can to avoid these lethal habits: personal criticism,
sneering contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
4. Give your mate the benefit of the doubt. The next
time you’re feeling disappointed, hurt, or angry with your spouse,
pause before jumping to conclusions. Maybe your spouse is tired, hungry,
or preoccupied — or doesn’t see the impact of his or her actions.
Search for a benevolent explanation that will allow you to treat your
mate with love and respect.
9. Be an equal-time advocate. Making sure each of
you has the same opportunity to discuss concerns and solution ideas
creates a sense of equality and shared power. If you tend to dominate,
speak a little less and listen longer. Encourage your partner to say
more. If you feel you’re getting short shrift, gently hold your ground
if your partner interrupts or tries to move the discussion along too
swiftly.
10. Take time-outs early and often. As soon as one
of you feels too upset or negative to follow healthy problem-solving
steps, it’s time to take a break. Experts say agreeing ahead of time to
take a time-out if one partner becomes overwhelmed is crucial for
avoiding a downward spiral you’ll only regret later. Include in your
agreement the understanding that you’ll get back to your discussion
within 24 hours. Some couples use a sports signal, such as the “T” sign
coaches use, to indicate they need a break. Stop the discussion right
away (no negotiating!), go to separate rooms or outdoors and calm down.
Take a walk, read a book, cook a meal. Don’t spend your time ruminating
about the conversation or having bad thoughts about your spouse. Before
you talk again, first share an everyday activity together to
re-establish a close, calm connection, Heitler suggests.
Five Ways to Sidestep a Fight
These strategies can stop a fight before it starts.
- See things from your partner’s point of view.
- Count to 50 before you say anything incendiary. This pause will help you calm down just long enough to think better of it.
- Don’t throw verbal bombs. Avoid put-downs, personal attacks,
judgments, criticism, and blaming — as well as sulking, interrupting,
and stomping out of the room.
- Ask yourself if you can — and should — solve the problem on your own.
- Skip heavy conversations before breakfast and from 11 a.m. to 12
p.m. and 3:30 p.m. to 6 p.m. — because nobody should argue on an empty
stomach. And ban problem-solving talks after about 8 p.m. Fatigue starts
many fights!
Three Ways to Defuse a Runaway Argument
These tension-tamers can short-circuit an argument that’s getting too hot to handle.
- Use anger as a red-alert sign to stop the discussion. Walk away and
use meditation, exercise, or another pleasant activity to de-stress.
- Reconnect frequently during tough conversations. Use empathy and
appreciation to stay close to your spouse. And be on the lookout for
your spouse’s attempts to heal or avoid breaches.
- Soothe yourself and your spouse. Breathe deeply, slow down the
conversation, and take a few minutes to review all the positive steps
you’ve taken together to solve the problem already. Share your feelings.
The more effectively you can soothe yourself and each other, the more
productive your problem-solving session can be.
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